Frank Off The Radio: The Frank Skinner Podcast

00:00 It's Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio. It's the Frank Skinner Podcast, don't you know? 00:10 Give my regards to Sergeant Fury. He's gonna be my judge and jury. 00:19 This is Frank off the radio. I'm joined by Bryony Kimmins and Vittorio Angelone. Follow the podcast on excellent Instagram. You can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com. What's up, what's up, what's up? 00:36 Ah. 00:38 07457417769 07457417769 00:50 I have just accidentally recreated the Roy Keane advert on the telly when he's trying to use his phone to pay for a cup of coffee and he starts really banging his phone on the machine. I was doing that with my finger on the jingle thing and then Bryony Kimmings very delicately just barely touched it. Dantily. Barely touched it. You know sometimes when a butterfly goes a bit too close and just catches your cheek with the wing tip? It was like that. 01:20 Wow. But this is one of her props for her elaborate theatre pieces. Oh, of course. 01:25 Don't start that again, guys. So I did a gig on Saturday in London before I left. I'm doing work in progress gigs at the moment, which if anyone doesn't know, it's like trying to desperately build a new stand-up show and having to air your dirty washing in public. 01:50 So I've been doing that for a bit. So I did both Thursday and Friday. 01:55 And then on Saturday, I did a show where I did my old material for half an hour. 02:03 Oh, man. 02:05 doing material that you really know and that you've got faith i didn't apologize once during the whole show i just i felt myself getting bigger and oh it was fucking great why do people ever bother when i was on the circuit people did the same 20 minutes for years now i see why No, shoot me in the head. 02:26 What, to do the same over and over? 02:27 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 02:29 I couldn't imagine doing something in front of people. We don't do that in theatre. We don't put things that we're not sure about in front of people. 02:36 The arrogance. The arrogance. The arrogance to not even consult the audience at any point in the creative process. 02:42 I'm considering the audience the entire time. just so you know i mean i test it but i don't test it i get people in test audiences but i don't test it like just test audiences well we just call them audiences yeah they're not going to go and tell people about it on the phones and stuff because they're all bloody test audiences as far as i'm concerned i find them very testing yeah no but i'm constantly i mean they're my editor they're my director they don't laugh it's gone oh okay 03:12 I never persevere with anything. I have nothing. I'm not like you, Bryony. I have nothing to say. I just want to make people laugh. 03:19 It's as simple as that. I don't think that's true. But they won't. 03:24 No, no, it's been all right. 03:26 I need to get on to this. So it's something great, though, about all that. 03:33 Oh, I just felt like a different person up there. It was beautiful. And Paddy Young and Celia AB were... Was this Somerset House? No, it was The Roundhouse. Oh, yes, yes. 03:45 Was it a you and friends? 03:46 Well, when I was booked, they said, do you want to do a show with some other comedians and will you headline? I said, yeah, that's fine. And then when I saw this, it said Frank Skinner and Friends. Oh, wow. 04:00 And given how deliberately you've just pronounced both of their names, it doesn't feel like they're your friends. 04:05 No, the truth is, people who know me will say, what, he's got friends nowadays. 04:12 He's got friends in their 20s. 04:13 Yeah, exactly. I've got friends. I'm like Steve Harrington from Stranger Things. I've got friends who are basically children. 04:25 Yeah, these are my friends, Paddy Young. Call him Young just to hammer home the wrongness. And a young French woman. 04:36 I don't know either of these people. 04:38 Well, they're my friends. 04:40 Oh, they're your friends. Oh, there you go. 04:43 Well, Paddy Young and Celia AB. AB standing for Adolescent Bambino. 04:50 I don't know what the AB stands for. But they both went really well and stormed it and they were great. 04:57 And Paddy does... I say Paddy. I mean Paddy Young. Paddy Young, of course. I don't know him well enough to just call him Paddy. 05:05 I just don't know this world, I don't think. 05:07 Old Pad. 05:08 So are you going to say he does SNL? 05:09 He does SNL, yeah. 05:10 And Sally is on the writing team. You were submerged in the SNL team on Saturday. I was. 05:16 What does that mean? Submerged into an SNL team? 05:19 It means the other two were on SNL and I was... Oh, I see. 05:22 And they were my friends. 05:24 You know how this podcast, I would say, if this was A Christmas Carol, you, Bryony, would be comedy present You, Vittoria, will be comedy future. 05:39 And you... 05:40 Anyway, so I was at the roundhouse. And you're Marley covered in chains. No, I'm the past. 05:47 I'm the past, all right. 05:49 So anyway, I was talking to them afterwards and we actually hung around in the dressing room for about 25 minutes. Well, they're not friends. 06:03 They are now. 06:04 They're not. 06:05 Okay. Jesus. 06:06 Well, I'm very, I'm very, I'm very picky about the word friends. 06:11 Okay, fine. 06:12 I think that friends has got to be someone I can tell any dark secret knowing for certain they'll never share it. Okay. In other words, no one. I include my wife. 06:26 No. 06:27 She's no friend of mine. Well, she's the closest I get, but there's, you know, I allow the fact that she'll tell her sister everything I tell her. 06:37 Still, so we finished it, and then... 06:43 And before we went on, someone said to me, they don't do much comedy here, so make some allowances, you know. 06:52 And I thought, what does that mean? 06:54 And then the woman came up to me and said, your microphone's on a stand. It's like on a stand at the front of the stage. And you can either just talk to it in the stand like that, or you can take it out and walk around with it in your hand. 07:08 No, she didn't. 07:09 And I said... 07:11 They might not do comedy, but are they from fucking Mars? Are these people from Mars that they need to explain this level of... I mean, now nobody knows who I am anymore, but bloody hell, what did they think? 07:23 I was headlining. 07:25 Yes, I would accept this is a gripe if last week you hadn't told us about in boots phoning your assistant to ask what type of razor blades you have. 07:34 Why bring that up? You need to... Why bring that up? 07:39 I shared that with you and now you're rubbing my nose in it. 07:43 Did she really say that? Well, you can just pick it up and take it and walk it around. 07:47 Yeah, talk about it. But she'd said to me, I'd said terrible, there'd been a terrible confuse. The thing is, at my age, if you make a mistake, if you guys make a mistake, they just think, oh, well, you know... Look, the other day I turned up for my sound check 24 hours early. Okay. Now, if you, Vittorio, say, turned up for a sound check 24 hours early, people would have a laugh about it. Yes. For me, I know my management, including James Taylor, my management are saying how much longer? 08:18 Is it a symptom? Is he okay? All of a sudden it's a symptom. How much longer can we use him? 08:22 Okay. It's the same with falling. You're Alzheimer's and I'm menopause. Yeah. They'd think that of me. So you're fine. I'd have menopause. 08:28 Yeah, but you come through menopause. I'm afraid there's only one way you come through old age. 08:34 Oh, God. 08:35 Anyway, so she said, she told me this about, and she said, Paddy's got his own microphone. 08:44 And I thought, is that a fucking microphone? 08:48 It's only been on telly five minutes. 08:51 And I thought she meant his own microphone. Do you know what I mean? That he turned up with. He turned up with a box and said, like, sure on it or something, whatever they call it. Gold sparkly. Yeah. 09:04 That says SNL on it. 09:05 Well, it was a really nice, clean one. It said SNL, yeah. And I said, you've got your own microphone. Is that what comics do now? And he said, are you mad? And I thought, see, I can't get no respect from them anymore. My friends. And then afterwards, as we was leaving, I've got a bit more confidence. I think they like me better now. And I said, because you know why the roundhouse is round? 09:33 No. 09:33 It's because it used to be where they turn the trains around. So it's at the end of the track and they spun it round. That's cool. And then I said, it had only been going a few years when they changed the size of the carriages. So the whole place was done. Couldn't be used. 09:48 Hmm. 09:49 And Paddy said to me, you spend a lot of time on your own in dressing rooms, don't you? 10:00 Because I'd said to him, the big difference about success, because he's obviously now on the ladder to the roof, as I think the drifters said, could have been the coasters. 10:12 But I said to him, one of the big differences is you don't get conversations like this where you sit around and talk because you're on your own in the dressing room. And then he used it against me. 10:23 Anyway, the upshot of this, and this is where I'm asking your advice. I was in, I've been in Edinburgh for a couple of days and there aren't that many shows on that, you know, there's a sort of a ramp at the beginning of the festival. So I looked at the shows that was on. I thought, I'll go and see somebody's comedy. And Celia AB was doing it. And I thought, well, I can't go to that. 10:52 But she's your friend. 10:53 No, A, she's not my friend. 10:56 But B, I was in a dressing room with her on Saturday night. Remember, I'm a 69-year-old man. Yeah, it would look weird. If I turn up at her show on Tuesday, she would be well within her rights to call the police. 11:11 LAUGHTER 11:14 It's weird. Don't you think that would be weird? I think there's some people that would read that unkindly. I wouldn't do it to you, Vittorio. And, you know. 11:23 I would phone the police. If you show up at my show tomorrow night. 11:26 When you show up. Well, you'd be right to. 11:31 That's fair enough. I think that's true. You think I did the right thing? Yes, absolutely. 11:35 There you go. 11:35 It looks creepy. 11:37 Exactly. I don't know. I know you didn't mean it creepily, but it would look creepy. No, no, but it's not what you mean. You don't know. It's what's read. 11:42 You don't know. 11:43 I think it's nice to go to somebody's show and be supportive. I wouldn't ask for a comp. 11:51 No, no, I was going to cry. 11:52 It's a bit creepy. 11:54 But, like, depends where you sit. There's a level of creepiness depending on where. Don't sit in the front. No. 12:00 At the back. She might not even see you at any point. Is that worth? 12:03 But if I sit at the back, she's thinking, why is she sitting at the back with his back on his lap? 12:08 Oh, gosh. 12:11 No, but anyway, I didn't go. It's interesting because I thought when I ran it by you guys, you were going to say, no, you're being wildly oversensitive. But no, you said no, you were quite right. 12:21 No, you said he should go. I think he should go. 12:24 No, I wouldn't do it. I don't want her to feel that there's any sense of creepiness around. And I don't want to feel uneasy. 12:35 It's not as if there hasn't been lots of that stuff in this industry before. Do you know what I mean? There's a reason why. 12:40 I haven't heard of any of this. 12:41 Have you not? What do you mean? No, nothing. I think I'm a bit overreacting. 12:45 I must admit, I haven't heard of much, but maybe men don't hear about it. 12:50 No, I think we would hear about it. 12:51 Both of you are lying. 12:53 I think we would have heard about it if there was creepy men around the comedy industry. 12:56 I always think of... 12:59 The problem is I think you're being ironic and I'm being awfully sincere. 13:05 You're being sincere and he's being ironic, exactly. 13:07 It didn't happen in my day, you know why? You know why? Because there was no fucking women. 13:14 And that's how he kicked them safe. That was the mistake. But there was, there was women. Yeah, they put themselves in danger is what they did by coming into comedy. No, no. I'm joking for God's sake. 13:28 Anyway, oh dear. 13:40 Victoria, tell me what you've been doing since you've been in Edinburgh or something. 13:45 Well, I only arrived in Edinburgh yesterday, but I've had like a brief few days off. I did my first ever like acting job for the month of July. So I've been being... 13:55 Your first one in July or your first ever acting job? 13:57 First ever acting job. Oh, okay. Technically second ever, but the first one was the pilot for the thing that is now the series. 14:04 Oh, I thought you were going to say, but the first one was Second Shepard from the left at school. Yeah, I thought that's what he was going to say. I don't have an identity place anymore, do I? They do. 14:13 We did, but that was, you know, 25 years ago. 14:17 Okay. Yeah, my son does one. Wow. You mean yesterday? 14:23 Hang on. So tell us. What was the gig? Yeah, is it serious acting or comedic acting? 14:27 So it's in a sitcom on the BBC. Did you write it? No. A very brilliant writer called Matthew McDevitt wrote it, but I'm... Oh, you've become an actor already. You're the star. 14:36 That's so exciting. I'm the star. 14:38 But you make a great actor because they always say, we have the most amazing director. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is brilliant. Right. And you watch it, you think, no. 14:47 You must, do you always say, Brian, don't you say, well, I've got this fantastic producer and this incredible director. 14:53 No, I do not. 14:55 Okay. 14:55 Because I do it all myself. 14:57 Oh, well then it'd be awkward if you did that. 15:00 The writing was fantastic. The direction was fantastic. 15:02 So you did the whole thing yourself. 15:04 This time, the first time I did it with a director. Who was that? Normally. It was lovely. A friend. A friend of mine. I want to know about this. What's it called? 15:12 It's called Rewarding. So it's about care work. I play a carer and... 15:16 And we work with a neurodivergent cast of like you play like the clients and stuff. And it's like really good crack. Very, very funny. A very sort of like gallows humor, like tough job. 15:27 And actually Andy Burnham just announced that he's increasing pay for care workers. 15:31 And we were like, can you hold off until he's killed the shot? 15:34 Did you used to do that as an actual job? 15:36 No, I worked at a special needs school briefly when I was a teen. 15:41 I've just written a sitcom about releasing sex offenders early from prison. He's ruined that as well. 15:47 Oh, no. What is he? Is he after comedy? What's he doing? Yeah, I think he is. That's why he's doing the stand next week. 15:55 He's outlawing sitting in coffee shops in New York. 15:58 Yeah, my author, my Edinburgh show about centering everything in London. That's important. He's killed that. 16:04 I know. 16:06 What have I done to Burnham? 16:07 He doesn't like me. 16:09 When's it going to be on? 16:11 Quite soon. Quick turnaround. End of November it comes out. All right. This is a bloody comedy podcast. 16:17 Not a plug-in show. Yeah. It sounds amazing. 16:20 It was good. My granny came to set at one point because we were doing some filming in the park. Maserati. 16:26 No, I assume that's her name. 16:28 Maserati. 16:30 Maserati Angelona. That works. Definitely works. It's my Irish grandmother. 16:36 Grandma-serati. That's nice. 16:39 That's what they should have called that car. That's good. That is nice. It took an hour, but you know what? 16:44 It's worth waiting for. And my granny isn't away with the fairies yet, but she's certainly in the departure lounge to be away with the fairies. Does that make sense? 16:56 She's got a few marbles left, but not loads of marbles left. So she's up and is sort of confused by the whole on set experience. And she walks up and, you know, everybody going quiet down, quiet down, rolling action. And as soon as they said action, like everybody's been told to shut up for about two minutes before that. As soon as they say action and we're about to start the scene, my granny goes, this is daft. 17:20 That's what acting needs. 17:24 People who cut to the very centre. 17:26 She was cracking everybody up. The lovely hair and makeup lady, Sharon, came over to her and went, lovely, lovely hair and makeup lady, fantastic writer. There's some real battle access on the production. 17:37 David, bastard. 17:41 thank god we got a bit of balance yeah um sharon goes up to my granny and goes oh just so you know vittorio gets punched in the face in this scene but like don't worry it's just for the the show and my granny goes well i'm not gonna go rescue him 17:58 Oh, well. That's really nice that you had her on. 18:02 They got her a big like over, you know, those actor-y overcoats. Oh, yeah. And sat her in a little directory chair. 18:07 She was having the time of her life. Fantastic. Really good. 18:11 I got my brother in a sitcom that I wrote, but very, I mean, a non-speaking part. He just had to fish. 18:21 And one of the extras said to him, so how did you get this? He said, I used to sleep with the writer. 18:28 Oh, no. 18:29 Which was absolutely true. 18:33 But the trouble is with that, when we did that episode, it was a bit over time. And the obvious thing to cut was the beautiful shot of the guy fishing. And I said to the director, you can't cut that. He said, look, you know, we're going to have to, just for the plot, we need the, you know, the diet. I said, well, you can't cut that. So, you know, he didn't cut it. I don't often lay the law down, but I just couldn't do it. No way, it would be awful. But that, so I've never worked with my family really since then. 19:08 I mean, I know. That's what I learned from that. 19:11 I know actors who spent three months working on a film and then they find out at the premiere that they weren't in it. Big actors. Not like massive, but they could have been. 19:19 Peter Capaldi was in, what was that magic film with the woman who went out with Brad Pitt? Angelina Jolie. Maleficent? Yeah, Maleficent. He should have been in that. And then he was caught. 19:33 What, completely cut? 19:35 Yeah. 19:36 Do you still get paid? 19:38 This is Peter Capaldi, though. 19:39 I know, but, you know, he's a big actor. He's getting bombs on seats. Is he? He kept dipping into Malcolm Tucker in a Disney film, though, so it was tricky for them to keep him in. Yeah, that is. You're a fucking witch! 19:55 That's what the old woman shouted at the Maserati when they saw Bog Witch walking up the road. 20:03 dog witch mag witch who was mag witch is he in bleak house he's dickensian i don't know any of the words you're saying I'm reading some Charles Dickens at the festival. 20:16 Oh, I was going to maybe do that. 20:18 You turned it down because you thought you were too good for it. Am I right? Well, I'm doing it. 20:22 No, I didn't. I turned it down because I didn't think I'd be able to do it very well. 20:25 Oh, come off. You were born to do it. 20:28 No, I couldn't. I couldn't read it. 20:30 Bogwitch, just magwitch. Imagine the headline. Yeah, yeah. 20:33 Headline. Imagine the headline. Yeah. 20:37 Oh, I'm doing it. I might do it then. 20:39 Top of the Herald. 20:40 It just seemed a bit scary. No? I mean, you're both doing improvised shows. 20:45 Mine's got a murder in it, so it's fairly scary. 20:48 They've given it, they tell you before. 20:49 They sent me the script and they said it's 45-minute reading. 20:52 Yeah, exactly. Who wants to do that? 20:53 That is long. Me. 20:56 Fine. 20:57 You know, I need stuff to do. I won't put you on my own. 21:01 I'll just say I went to the pictures on my own. You can't go to anyone's shows. I love going to the cinema by myself. I got to the cinema. It's brilliant. Okay, call it the cinema if you want to be all modern about it. The talkies. Pictures. I realised that said to two people. The pictures. Half my age. I went to the pictures on my own. 21:20 but you know they said we got no soft drunks no soft drunks in Edinburgh what's happened we've only got hard drunks I'm afraid to not oh shit okay let them do it All right, I've hurt my ear this time. 21:40 No, they said we got no soft drinks except sloshies. You didn't have sloshies? No, I said I can't have a sloshie. Oh, you could have. No. You could have. They're really bad for you. I said, would you give me a cup of water? So that's what they did. 21:57 That's sad. No, that's sad. 21:59 I had a cup of water. You know, that circle in your seat that's for, like, great big Coca-Colas and popcorn. It's a tiny water. Did you have to put your fingers in it, kind of? 22:10 I'm going to read you something from the outside world. 22:13 Okay, I don't know. 22:14 I was going to read something from Dickens. 22:15 You're still calling the movies the pictures. What? I love where you think these are telegrams. People have been listening on the wireless. Telegrams. 22:26 Tell him to fuck off. This is bullying. 22:28 This is bullying. 22:29 It actually is. It's one of those isms that hasn't really been enforced. Yeah, I'm going to cross my arms. Quite right. I'm crossing my arms at you. Disapproving me. 22:37 That's like from the main abuse. 22:38 I'm going to have to turn my back on you. 22:39 Yeah, I'm going to have to turn my back on you. 22:42 This is from John Malloy. 22:44 Made up name. 22:45 Could be one of mine. In last week's podcast, Ruth, this is... Ruth Hosko. Hosko, yeah, was telling a story about the time she worked in a housing office and they would receive a cringy email rounding up the month's activities. This struck a chord with me as when I worked in a job centre many years ago, we also used to receive a cringy monthly newsletter. In one particular newsletter, one of the staff won a Benefit Centre snooker tournament. Wow. Brilliant. 23:17 And his picture was on the front cover. The photographer, for some reason, hadn't taken his picture at the event, so it was taken in the office with him, leaning in a snooker-style pose across his desk, using a biro as a temporary cue, which he had aimed at a ball of elastic bands. 23:37 Oh, God. 23:38 No. 23:39 No. 23:41 Fair bye to the photographer for his pragmatic approach to try and capture the magical essence of the tournament win. 23:49 That's amazing. 23:49 That sounds like an Edinburgh poster. 23:51 You know, a biro snooker. 23:54 Yeah, exactly. 23:56 Oh, man, I love that. 23:59 Okay, this is from Ian Angle. 24:03 Okay. Eve sends in a lot of puns. 24:05 Ian Angle. 24:07 He's the punmeister general. 24:09 Okay. Okay. 24:10 Are the puns sharp or obtuse? 24:13 Sometimes they're tremendous. 24:16 This is from Ian Angle, someone who until now didn't know Tony Iommi from Black Sabbath. Tony Iommi is the lead guitarist of Black Sabbath, who I interviewed recently. It was great. 24:27 I'm sure... 24:29 I was brilliant. 24:29 No, he was great. I was... Yeah, I was pretty good. I'm sure I'm not the only person who's never heard of that bloke before. 24:39 That bloke? You've certainly raised awareness, Frank. You ought to now call him Tony Uomi. That's nice. 24:48 to me that's nothing no that does nothing to me Kimmings for all her well-meaning kindness when she is a bad pawn she's savage I'm awful yeah I don't think that's funny Sorry, Ian. 25:06 I think I'm also a bit hungry. So it might be that. Could be that as well. 25:09 Are you hungry? Yes, okay. 25:11 I'll eat after. Don't worry. 25:13 We can get you something. 25:15 I've got a day now. 25:15 Can I get your PA to get me something? 25:17 She's in London. Well, she could. I'd take ages. She'd deliver you a prat? She could, yeah. Definitely. No, she wouldn't. 25:24 I live in the countryside. I don't know what that means. She's a one-woman... 25:29 One man, woman. Okay. She's one man of a woman. 25:38 Frank, I saw you. This is Gail. 25:42 Frank, I shouted at you in the street. I screamed into your face in the street. Oh, we'd love to get that. 25:47 I'm trying to say I loved your show, but you wouldn't listen. Yeah, the spelling's terrible. 25:52 Yeah. Why did he do that at that time? 25:54 I think he probably had mental health problems. 25:56 I don't think he did. 25:58 Do you think he knew who you were? No. I don't think he knew who he was. 26:02 Okay, so he's drunk? 26:03 No, he wasn't drunk. I think he just probably hates people coming in from outside for the festival. They do a bit. 26:10 The outfit you were saying, round glasses, M&S bag. I know. You've got Edinburgh Festival written all over you. Yeah, exactly. I understand that now. 26:19 I think I automatically would have punched. 26:22 Would you? 26:23 You think you would have punched the man? 26:24 If somebody shouted in my face, I think I'd automatically have punched. 26:27 If I had done that, I don't think we'd be sitting here. No, you'd be dead. You'd be around my bed. This would be a wick. 26:32 This would be hospital radio. 26:38 Hi, Frank and guests. This is Gail from North East Hampshire. Who knew that Hampshire had been so delicately separated? 26:48 I would take a North Hampshire or an East Hampshire. I don't know if we can divide Hampshire into eight pieces. What's North East Hampshire? 26:53 No, this is absolutely insane. 26:55 Farnham? 26:56 There's got to be a Central Hampshire as well. Farnham? 26:59 Would it be Farnham? I don't know. Or Surbiton? 27:03 I don't know. I don't know enough about Hampshire to really contribute to it. I like maps. 27:07 You like maps? Okay. 27:09 Well, then you'll love the fact that she's from northeast Hampshire. 27:13 Hmm. 27:15 Frank, I saw you on the televisuals last Sunday with Giles Brandreth, amongst others. Lovely jumper, I think they mean his. 27:24 I'm just contacting you to let you know that I cook porridge in the microwave in three one-minute bursts, stirring after each burst in a Pyrex jog. 27:35 When ready, I had maple syrup, then consumed with a spoon straight from the jog. 27:39 That is horrible. 27:40 Ah, now this. 27:41 That's horrible. 27:43 There's two... The reason is I eat my porridge from the saucepan. 27:49 Why? 27:49 Don't mind it, don't love it. Because what is the point of... Don't mind it, don't love it. Why dirty a bowl for no reason? Where do you draw the line with that? 27:57 Hang on a minute. Are you eating it with your hands? Isn't the pot hot? No. 28:02 The pot. Hot underneath? 28:03 No, I just put a tea towel underneath. In our house, I find the tea towel is the most... It's like a skeleton key of domestic living. I use it for everything you can imagine. 28:15 It's got it over your arm all the time. 28:16 Yeah, oh man, the tea towel. I get a tea towel, dry my hands, cover things with it. 28:21 What about the spoon scraping on the bottom? Does that not... Get your the back of your head. 28:27 Are you worried about the Teflon? 28:30 Well, yeah, that also. 28:31 We don't have Teflon. Yeah, no nonstick. 28:33 Nonstick's bad for you. Stainless steel? Cast iron? I don't know. You must have something there. I don't know. 28:38 I'll have to go and ask the man at Oxfam. 28:43 These are Le Creuset pans, Brady. 28:45 Listen, how long does it take to put... If you're putting it in for a minute, taking it out, stirring it, another minute, there's a lot of hoops. I mean, who's got time for that? It's so easy to make porridge. You just put it in a pan with milk. 28:56 I'm surprised you could watch Sunday brunch if you're that busy in the morning. 29:00 I know, so busy. 29:01 What I did as a child with Ready Break is I would just heat up the milk in a plastic cup. and then chuck it in and then everything just warms up as it mixes and it's all nice and good. 29:09 Well, what worries me about the jog is that when I was at school, I remember I drank out of, you know, there's a jog you get on the table in the dinner halls, we used to call it. It's probably called the fucking lunch hall now with cups around it. And I just drank straight out the jug. I knocked it back Viking style. And someone said to me, it's really bad luck to drink out of a jug. Really? The next day I got expelled. 29:41 What, for drinking at the jug? 29:43 No, for other stuff. 29:45 Tell us. 29:46 No. 29:47 Okay. 29:49 The letter said embezzling the school meal service. But it's the jug that's the key thing. 29:56 Yeah, jug's not quite circular jug on the school lunch hall. It's got lots of little sites. 30:01 I'm thinking coloured metal, that one. Remember the coloured metal? Is that way before your time? 30:06 Plastic had been invented by the time I went to school. 30:08 Oh, really? Yeah, and what did that do? It poisoned the ocean, so don't get too highty-tighty about it. 30:15 That jog wouldn't have hurt anyone. Well, it got me expelled. 30:20 I don't know. But it had meant me. I'm not that. I do salute magpies. 30:26 Yeah, yeah, me too. 30:26 Well, magpie I salute. 30:28 Yeah, you can do multiple. 30:29 I say aye, aye, magpie. 30:31 Oh, I say good morning, Mr. Magpie. Oh, yeah, I've heard that. I know what you're thinking, sexist. But I'm not there to, you know, get that. I don't get that close. Don't tell me what I think. Okay. Okay. 30:41 I'm telling you what to think. 30:43 So what do you do when you see one Magway? 30:44 Well, I assume you call them bog pies. 30:46 Why? 30:47 Because we've got the Magwitch and then the Bogwitch. 30:49 I can't do that sort of thing. 30:51 No, I like this sort of wordplay. 30:53 Okay, good. Okay, wordplay. 30:55 Okay. 30:56 I nearly said the wrong way around then. 30:58 Playword? 30:59 No, don't worry. 31:00 Purdway? 31:02 Purdway. 31:03 Wasn't he Doctor Who in there? John Purdway. John Purdway. 31:09 What's any Doctor Who like I don't know? 31:12 I'm going to give you another quick one. 31:15 Sarah here, a long-time reader. I call the listeners readers. I can't remember what. 31:21 And so you should. 31:22 I have been dipping into an old chapter of your podcast where Frank had been told by Daisy, Daisy was the producer at the time, that hugging him is an uncomfortable experience. 31:35 Frank then simply claimed that he doesn't hog like a plasticine tabard, as some men do. 31:41 I'm giggling away. Now, I have to say, this is, you know, whenever anyone quotes your joke, you always think, oh, you've killed that. 31:51 now god bless you sarah from lancashy and i thank you for laughing but i don't it's it's not like hogging like a plasticine tabard my suggestion was that some men look like they're taking an imprint when they hog women memory foam really tight and it's like they've got a plasticine tabard that they can consult after and maybe even take some sort of mold from 32:16 They could 3D print the woman. 32:19 Oh, that's horrible. 32:21 But you know those things? I'm horrified. You know the slippery when wet yellow plastic things you get in shopping centres? 32:28 I was thinking of an album. What's an album called, Slippery When Wet? 32:30 Yeah, that's Bon Jovi. 32:32 Okay, fine. 32:34 I think this is a double entendre. I don't like it. It's a double entendre, that one. Whereas the Supreme One wet sign is very, very businesslike. But you know how that is formed by two things? That's how I hog. 32:50 You keep it away. Feet apart. Yeah, shoulders touch, but nothing else. 32:56 Some people get very hippy with their hugs. Some people, there's a lot of pelvis action and I don't need that part of you close to me. But do you like hugs? 33:04 I think hugs, we're in a sort of Weimar Republic moment of hugs where there's an inflation. Hugs are being used for non-hug events. Whoa, I don't like hugging. People hug to say hello and I think that's absolutely ridiculous. 33:17 I don't want to be touched by anyone. 33:20 ever again ever again okay and i'm happy to hug my friends but i wouldn't hug you no that would be mad because it would be like why would that's like that is true you're placing your entire body face to face yeah okay okay fine so i wouldn't i wouldn't i wouldn't choose it with anyone would you 33:40 You go for a handshake? 33:42 Yeah. 33:42 I don't like that either. Elbow? I shouldn't have said that because I handshaked with the owners here at EH3 Studios. 33:51 We shook handshake when I met you. Yeah. But I didn't want to hug you. 33:54 Yeah, but all I'm thinking after that is not what a nice lady. It's sanitise, sanitise, sanitise. Really? Yeah. 34:01 I just wiped my son's bum as well. Oh, gosh. Just with the hand. I didn't have any tissue. Yeah. And then I shook your hand. 34:08 Well, that's the price you pay. It could be worse. For not having to hug. It could be worse, but give me a moment. 34:17 Pencil and paper, maybe. Yeah, well, I did, I shook hands with the guy from EH3. 34:23 So you just like to say hello verbally? 34:26 Yeah, because when it all went out with COVID, I thought, I'm hoping this never comes back, the handshaking. And now it's come back, as you say, people hog. 34:36 Kiss, they kiss. 34:36 Not even the sign of peace at mass? You were pleased about the lack of sign of peace? No, I'm quite, I don't. What's that? I liked, I still try to get out of the sign of peace. 34:44 And then I offer each other the sign of peace, and then you shake hands and say, peace be with you. 34:48 What's that? 34:49 At mass. God, heard of him? 34:52 Yeah. 34:54 So you say we will now offer each other. 34:56 All right, all right. 34:58 Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. 35:00 I feel this is not going to go well. 35:02 It's okay. I just ignore him. 35:04 Okay. I love him. 35:07 What, God? 35:08 Yeah. And he loves me. And he loves you even though you don't like him. 35:10 I don't mind him. 35:11 Yeah. 35:11 I've got no problem with God. 35:13 Okay. 35:15 Or she. 35:16 There is a bit. 35:17 I didn't say that. 35:18 Well, God could be. 35:19 I just said God. 35:20 Okay. 35:21 Anyway. 35:23 You think God's what? A woman. 35:25 I had a little joke about that at one point. Of course God's a woman. Have you ever seen a man get that angry about an apple? 35:34 I think we should end on that. 35:35 That's really good. 35:37 I'm going to end on it. 35:39 You, you're a one. 35:41 Victoria's been saving that for two episodes. He's cheeky. He thinks, okay. He's cheeky. I'll spend most of the time plugging my sitcom and then I'll have a big laugh at the end. It's called... Rewarding. 35:52 Rewarding. Yeah. Don't forget to watch mine. 35:54 Mine's called The Rapture. 35:56 I've already been paid, so it has been rewarding already. 35:59 Okay, fair enough. 36:01 The next episode of Frank Skinner's Radio Days is out on Wednesday. We're back in 2014. 36:08 The gang have been transported to Manchester. 36:10 God, even then, everything's fucking Manchester now. 36:16 I'm not. The long hand of Birmingham. Because the second biggest city in England is Birmingham. That's where you're going now. 36:25 That's half people attending conferences. That doesn't count. No. They're not locals. 36:30 No, not true. That is not true. But it's been completely overlooked. They've gone to third place. Yeah, I mean, it is shit. It isn't. It is not shit. 36:40 It's actually lovely. 36:41 It is. It's great. Shut your face, Vittorio. 36:46 Shut your face. 36:49 Okay, we'll end on that then. Not the laugh. Shut your face. Telling the guest has shut his face. 36:57 He asked for it though. He did. Okay. We'll be back next week with a brand new show, which they used to say on Deputy Dork. 37:08 Deputy Dork? Yeah. 37:10 Dork. Spelled D-A-W-G. Yeah, Deputy Dork. Yeah. 37:16 It's the Frank Skinner Podcast. 37:20 A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. 37:28 I'm not totally sure how it's going. 37:32 Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com.